The Ouch Factor

This weekend saw another X Factor contestant being sent to the great record label in the sky, or the now equivalent to what would have been the bargain bin at Woolies.
Halloween weekend meant that some (not all) of the contestants got to dress up in random spooky style costumes and sing a Halloween style song. To be fair certain contestants didn’t look any different to usual (Wagner anyone?).

Sticking with the theme, there were some horrific performances and some half decent ones:
- Aiden Grimshaw sang Thriller and made it sound like a funeral song, not the upbeat fun song that it actually is – snorefest.
- Katie Waisell looked kind of like a certain Bride of Wildenstein, but actually sang quite well. Even if she did look like her hair was going to make her topple over at any point.
- Wagner was out of tune, out of synch. But is he out of the show? Not this week.
- Belle Amie sang “I’m your Venus etc etc”. Who associates that song with anything but women shaving their legs nowadays? Bad choice of song, bad, well everything really.
- Cher Lloyd had the stand out performance of the night, which somehow got Shakespeare’s Sister back into the top ten. She still looks like a bad Cheryl clone though.

During the results show, the contestants got to sing with Bon Jovi, and when I say sing, I mean lip synch to their pre-recorded backing vocals. Then Jamiroquai sang their new song, whilst Cheryl gave Jay-Kay daggers the whole performance. Apparently he insulted her before the show. Who knows what was said but her and Danni Minogue made a point of not being impressed with him, they didn’t even stand up to clap after the performance as they always do for guests on the show. Maybe he told her she was too skinny? Or that he didn’t like her tattoo? Who knows... Next up: Rihanna, Good performance overall, but she did have bright red ears, I think that her hair dye may have seeped onto them.

The bottom two this week were Belle Amie and Katie Waisell. They did the standard sing off, and to be fair Katie out sung the girls with ease, Belle Amie hurt my ears slightly. So it was bye bye Belle Amie, and Katie lives to sing another week/generate more press for the show.

TV Wedding Shambles? We love them!

Grab your confetti and shine your shoes, weddings are all the rage at the minute with programmes like Channel 4’s The Wedding House and the BBC3’s Don’t Tell the Bride on TV, following on from the eye-popping extravagance of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (which needs to be seen, trust me)

Let's be honest, a wedding day is supposed to be one of the biggest moments of anyone's life, but for the bride it has depths beyond the icing on a five tier cake. It’s the one day that all eyes are on her as she is made to feel like a princess for the day - or so she hopes. Because it's also the day where things can go horribly wrong - and frequently do.

With this in mind, would you invite a TV crew to your wedding? Even with a generous offer of £12,000 and a stately country mansion throw in, would YOU give up control of your big day? God, I wouldn't but luckily for us, there are enough masochists out there to fully stock both The Wedding House and Don't Tell the Bride with willing participants in the latest car-crash TV.

Both series share two key attributes…

1. The producers lure couples in with the promise of financial help, automatically putting them at their mercy.

2. They use the element of surprise to keep things interesting and to to rack up the drama.

For example, in Don’t Tell the Bride all decision-making is left to the usually clueless groom. This even includes the bride's dress – shock, horror! In an extra twist, the producers even make the bride try on her ideal wedding dress, one she’ll never wear, just for good measure. Ouch! If the dress chosen by her Prince Charming is an atrocity, she still has to march up the aisle to marry the plonker who selected it. It's evil, and it's genius!

Over in The Wedding House the experts give each couple enough rope to hang themselves by allowing them to decide the theme of the wedding, before running off with their own interpretations. The couple have no final say and will not see the results until it’s too late - double ouch!

Most importantly, it's the combination of Bridezillas, inappropriate themes, the arguments, tears, tantrums and happy endings which make both programmes hysterical to watch.

If you some proof, check out The Wedding House on the site right now to see some amazingly themed connubials - Moulin Rouge, bondage or Burlesque anybody? Or even better, witness a gay couple getting ready for their Victorian style civil ceremony, having been together for just three months. Even the registrar thinks it'll be curtains for them – hilarious!

Big Brother’s Big Retail Job

Imagine my (slight) shock when somebody from the office came back from lunch with the news that she thought one of the twins (Samanda) from Big Brother was working in the shop over the road at a popular high street fashion emporium.

I actually thought that they were quite successful Big Brother contestants; They came second on the show, released a teen skincare range, made a work out DVD and even had a number 26 single (ahem). Apparently the twins have made over a million pounds between them since leaving the Big Brother house. Have they spent it all already?

With the demise of Big Brother, it would seem you can’t live off the coat tails of the show anymore. It may be a bit of a fall from grace, and we couldn't tell whether Sam (or Amanda - we couldn't tell the difference anyway) cut it as a fashion advisor, but hopefully this new career will mean they're no longer cluttering up the pages of Heat.

This weekend's X Factor round up

X Factor is back, and even before the live shows started, I picked my favourite contestants. Rebecca Ferguson was quite forgettable, and Matt Cardle, well let’s not talk about that song choice.

The saving grace was an absolute shocker of a performance by a certain Wagner (according to the show, he has no surname…apparently). Ok, so his vocals were not exactly up to scratch, but his bongo playing and performance of “She Bongs” (sorry, bangs) was the most entertaining of the night.

I did enjoy Aiden’s version of “Mad World”, but he looked like he was about to jump out of the telly and kill someone. And seriously, why dress the poor boy like a vampire stuck in the 1800’s?

Sunday’s results show on the other hand, well that was something else all together. The group performance was ridiculous. The obvious pre-recorded vocals and silly choreography made it look like a cheap episode of Glee.

When the results were announced, I was shocked but secretly slightly happy that Wagner survived to “sing” another day (he really is another Chico). This time there was a bottom three as two acts were going to get the boot. First to go was Nicolo, the Italian “diva” who didn’t even get to sing a survival song. Gotta love that he told Dermot O’Leary that leaving the show so early on “feels like crap.” Woo a curse word on a family show.

Left to battle it out for their place on the show was boyband FYD and Katie Weasel (sorry, Waisell). The outcome was obvious once they had sung (Katie was a lot better than FYD), but it would be silly to get rid of the most controversial contestant this series anyway so FYD’s time was up and all the judges apart from Simon Cowell voted to save Katie.

So, that meant bye bye to Nicolo Festa (no relation to Uncle Fester) and FYD. Who goes next, I guess you decide... urgh, now I sound like the Big Brother announcer! See you next week...

The Apprentice Recap: Week 1

“Boozy Bangers, Boozy Bangers” Why is that the most prominent thing in my mind after last nights Apprentice?

The annual search for Lord Sugar's assistant began with a bang(er) as the candidates were put through their paces with the first of this years strange tasks none of them would ever have to do in 'real life'.

Last night the office hopefuls were buying meat, making sausages overnight, and selling them to the public the next day. As ever, sausages were the last things on their minds as egos exploded everywhere, there were disagreements and even worse (or better from an entertainment point of view) the sausages the boys made looked like actual poo. More importantly, we also got our first glimpses of who the characters are going to be this series:

Stuart Baggs – The youngest ever contestant, and in my eyes, probably the most annoying. He starts off by claiming everything he touches turns to sold. Sold? Come on now, did he sell the most sausages? No he didn’t. His one shining moment was the fact that he seemed to be able to use an invisible calculator. If that isn’t a great skill, then what is?

Dan Harris – Team leader for the boys team, and all around hot head. If managing people includes screaming, swearing and not really getting involved then Dan should be earning millions. He must have been the fist ever contestant to slouch in the board room in front of Lord Sugar. It was at that point, I thought to myself Dan is a gonner.

Melissa Cohen – Jenny Éclair lookalike and slightly argumentative. Melissa seems to be the most entertaining of the girls so far. As Nick Hewer said she spent a lot of her time “pecking away” at team leader Joanna. If Melissa wanted to be team leader, then she should have said yes when the other girls suggested that she should. May be that was a ploy to avoid the firing line if they lost. Apparently I also went to school with Melissa. I don't remember it at all, but rumour has it, she left because no one liked her.

So it was bye bye to hot head Dan. To be fair another week of him would have been way too much.

Sadly I'm already looking forward to next week's clash of the egos.

If like me you can’t actually wait, maybe you should watch some classic apprentice to wet your appetite until next week.

Where Have I Seen Her Before?

Have you ever found yourself watching a TV programme and wondering “where have I seen them before?,” before spending sleepless nights trying to remember? Well worry no more because we are going to tell you exactly where you have seen them before.

Our first candidate is actress and model Samantha Rowley, who you can currently watch on Seven Days.

Samantha started her television career on five’s Make Me A Supermodel in which she came fourth , before being quickly snapped up by Channel 4 to play the original Clare Devine on Hollyoaks. She only lasted 5 months on the show and was swiftly replaced by Gemma Bissix. Next for Samantha was an appearance on five’s Trust Me I’m a Holiday Rep series 2, a reality show where “celebrities” had to work as a holiday rep on a Greek island. More notable celebs on the show were ex hearsay member Noel & Chef Nancy Lam. Samantha quit after only five days and was replaced by former Royal butler Paul Burrell.

So now you know, she's a failed supermodel, a pretty poor holiday rep and not yet made it as an actress. Facts you can now astound your friends with down the pub.