Zombies and Big Brother Contestants

I know some people think Big Brother contestants are a a bit like zombies, and it's Halloween this weekend, which got me thinking about the classic bout of zombie awesomeness that was Dead Set.

Have you ever dreamed about Big Brother contestants getting eaten by zombies? Well the Charlie Brooker-created ZomCom made this odd dream come true. Quite how anybody could think up a combination of Zombies and BB is beyond us, too much reality TV maybe? However the end result was amazing, and boasted an impressive cast, some of whom have appeared in a selection of our favourite shows: The Inbetweeners, Green Wing, Waterloo Road, Big Train, Shameless and even Bad Girls.

Without getting into too much detail, this five part mini series revolves around Jamie Winstone who plays Kelly, an underpaid, underappreciated runner on the show. Kelly finds herself in the midst of a zombie attack, and the only people who don’t know what is happening are the hapless and annoying housemates.

Chaos ensues as the zombies are everywhere and no one is safe, not even Davina. The best part is when a bunch of ex-housemates get attacked. Want to see Brian Belo or Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace get eaten by zombies? What about Makosi or Kinga (the zombies didnt use a wine bottle)? Go on, take a look. You know you wanna.

We all know how blood hungry the Big Brother crowd could be, but this just takes the biscuit - sweet dreams!

Only Ghouls and Corpses

Hey Pumpkins!

An annual celebration that doesn't go unobserved here at SeeSaw Towers on October 31st is, yep, you guessed it, The Only Fools and Horses Convention. If you find yourself near Hooky Street (aka Bedford/Milton Keynes) on Sunday, why not (trick or) treat yourself to the creme de le menthe of times in the unsaintly company of show faves Boycie, Denzil, Mickey Pearce, Jumbo Mills and Mental Mickey. We hear that there's even a few surprises from Rock & Chips. And don't fret - there's no sign of Damien.

For those that can't make it - don't despair - there's plenty here to remind you just what made OFAH the monster sitcom it was and how frighteningly magnifique Sir David Jason still is.

Mange tout!
Jack "the Lad" O'Lantern

Job Satisfaction Guaranteed

In these days of austerity, we'd all do well to remember Oscar Wilde's assertion that "the best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." But if the prescient playwright's wise words don't kick-start an overwhelming sense of pre-festive professional gratitude, then take satisfaction in the workplaces that just wouldn't be the hilarious haunts they are without the crazies that work within them...

Fawlty Towers' hotelier, Basil Fawlty
Maniacally prowling reception and restaurant, Cleese's miserly and misanthropic head honcho makes life a living hell for guests and employees in equal measure. The verbal and physical abuse dished out to hapless waiter Manuel outdoes any of newlywed Russell Brand's scandalous prankmeistering and reminds us just how unpleasant one man could make a trip to the the 'English Riviera'.
Do: order the Waldorf salad (arf); Don't: mention the war.

JLB Credit loan manager, Mark Corrigan
Sparing the south London streets of Peep Show's miscreant musician does not atone for Mark's professional underachievements. An undoubted intellect with an encyclopaedic knowledge of ancient and military history (take note, Time Team), Mark's occupational highlights can be written on the back of Johnson's business card. Hacking into Sophie's email, pissing in the boss' drawer and hanging out with the office fascist do not an employee of the month make.
Do: iron his tie; Don't: follow him into the stationary cupboard.

Dunder Mifflin branch manager, Michael Scott
Outlasting Wernham Hogg's David Brent to the tune of a shed load of episodes hasn't helped Scranton's unenlightened despot manage The Office. A graduate of the George Constanza school of man-management, Mr Scott's unabashed attempts to entertain his staff, using his ill-advised alter egos Prison Mike, Ping et al, are straight outta Cringeville.
Do: change his ringtone; Don't: be his secret Santa.

Minister for the Dept. of Social Affairs, Hugh Abbott
Malcolm Tucker may turn The Thick of It's air a somewhat offensive shade of blue, but Hugh Abbott has the primary colour of yellow locked down. Duh, of course he's inherently out-of-touch with the electorate, but that doesn't excuse his spineless efforts to avoid being the next casualty of a cabinet reshuffle. Accidentally sending expletive-filled emails to eight-year-olds is one thing, but letting a civil servant take the hit for it in a Select Committee is a completely different kettle of HR fish.
Do: heckle him; Don't: bring up Flatgate.

PhoneShop store manager, Lance
Forget for a moment that Lance is Simon's father in The Inbetweeners. What you see is a middle-aged man who should resent his career choice. A man who shouldn't be indulging in outdated Hoxton haircuts. A man who shouldn't be airing his marital misfortune in a cellular sanctuary, smoking "ganja" or listening to reggae whilst shouting "Dub selector". What do you mean you know that man - and he's sat checking his Facebook opposite you?
Do: avoid the subject of Shelley; Don't: sign off emails to him with two kisses.

Mighty Boosh zookeepers, Vince and Howard
The main attractions at Bob Fossil's dilapidated Zoo-niverse aren't Ivan the bear, Chi Chi the panda, or the Ape of Death. Not on your nelly (the elephant). They are Howard Moon, the self-professed master of mime and scat fanatic, together with his cheeky colleague Vince Noir, he that basks in the glory of his own outfits. The pair will welcome any visitor to a journey through time and space. And they say never work with animals.
Do: the Tundra Rap; Don't: summon The Spirit of Jazz.

Summer Heights High's Head of Drama, Mr G
"You've got yourself an entertainment industry professional for the price of a teacher. So where's my pay rise?," quips Greg Gregson. It's funny - cos it's true (in his oh-so talented eyes). When Mr G isn't labelling his possessions in the staff room (damn those cleaning fairies), he's making tasteless school productions such as 'Tsunamarama', based on the events of the 2004 Asian Tsunami, set to the music of Bananarama. The only class he's interested in his double choreography.
Do: enjoy his Kermit impression; Don't: tell him to take the back seat.

Here at SeeSaw Towers we're just scratching the work surface, as it were. It's our job. It's. What. We. Do. Remember, it was Oscar Wilde who claimed "work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do..."

Think you can outdo the IT Crowd here for job jokers? Nominations to the usual address, erm, below...

Stephen Moyer's secret Vampire past revealed

Usually in these posts we try and reveal the name behind a face you've seen on TV only to spend fruitless hours trying to remember who they are, and where you saw them. Today however, we're going slightly off-road because you already know who Stephen Moyer is.

He's Bill Compton, the vampire-with-a-heart going out with Anna Paquin's lonely waitress in hit blood-sucking drama True Blood. With his molasses smooth drawl, chiselled looks and Southern charm you'd be forgiven for thinking Moyer is a born-and-bred American, but you could not be more wrong.

He was in fact born and raised in Brentwood, and True Blood isn't his first outing playing the undead, as keen-eyed fans of Channel 4's 1998 Underworld-meets-Spooks mini-series, Ultraviolet, can attest. The show peddled a nice line in mixing the supernatural with a spy thriller, and whilst Moyer wasn't the main star he's easily identifiable.

Sporting an unlikely bouffant that made him look like Oscar Wilde and Hugh Grant's lovechild, he played Jack Beresford, a corrupt cop and a Vampire - or 'Code V'. Check out episode one Habeas Corpus, to see him menacing former best friend Jack Davenport and the series finale, Persona Non Grata.

I won't tell you what happens, you'll just have to watch it. Whilst you're at it why not let us know what you thought? Should we get more vampire dramas, less, did you think it was good? I thought it was pretty good, even if the effects haven't really stood the test of time amazingly well. Spooks obviously owes a bit of debt to it, and I'm always happy to watch Susannah Harker in anything...

True Blood is on Channel 4, 11.00pm, Thursdays
Watch Ultraviolet anytime, for free on SeeSaw

Top Gear - Twitter Competition

To celebrate Top Gear on SeeSaw we have two pairs of tickets to the MPH show featuring Top Gear Live on Saturday 6th November at Earl’s Court, London.

Both pairs of tickets are ‘Silver’ which entitles you to:

A general seat at Top Gear Live
Access to MPH The Prestige & Performance Show
The Official 2010 MPH Publication

Full details can be found on the MPH show website www.mphshow.co.uk

The competition starts on Wednesday 27th October at 12pm.

How to Enter:

This is a twitter-based competition. You can find our twitter page here

To enter the competition, you need to ‘retweet’ the following message from your twitter account:

To celebrate #topgear on SeeSaw, we have 2x pairs of tix to the MPH show featuring Top Gear Live in London on Sat 6th Nov follow + RT to win

We may post this message more than once. You can not retweet more than one message. This will be considered a double entry and all entries will be deleted.

You must be a follower of SeeSawTV twitter account to be eligible to win.

Two winners will be selected at random and announced on twitter.

The competition closes on Thursday 28th October at 8pm and winners will be announced on Friday 29th October.

Full Terms and Conditions are as follows:

Twitter: Prize Draw Terms and Conditions
1. This prize draw is offered by SeeSaw IPTV Limited and is open to respondents who retweet (from their Twitter account) our designated prize draw message, which can be found on SeeSaw’s Twitter page at www.twitter.com/seesawtv. A “retweet” for these purposes refers to Twitter's retweet feature that allows users to share other Twitter user’s messages with their Twitter followers. To take part you will need to have a twitter account (you can create an account at www.twitter.com). No purchase is necessary for entry.
2. Entrants must be aged 18 or over and resident in the United Kingdom. Employees of SeeSaw IPTV Limited and/or Arqiva Limited (and their immediate families) are not eligible to enter.
3. In order to qualify for the prize draw you need to retweet SeeSaw’s prize draw message as detailed on SeeSaw’s Twitter page. Once you have retweeted our prize draw message, you will be entered into the prize draw. You may only retweet once and multiple retweets will be disqualified from entry. You must be a follower of “SeeSawTV” on Twitter in order to be eligible for entry.
4. By entering the prize draw all entrants are deemed to have accepted and agreed to be bound by these terms and conditions. All entry instructions form part of the terms and conditions.
5. In order to be entered into the prize draw, you must retweet SeeSaw’s prize draw message by 10.00pm on Thursday 28 October 2010 (“Closing Date”), after which your retweet will not qualify. Two winners will be drawn at random from all respondents who have submitted qualifying retweets by the Closing Date.
6. The winners will each win two silver class tickets to the MPH show in London on 06 November 2010 featuring Top Gear Live (event details can be found here: http://www.mphshow.co.uk/index.php). The prize as described is available on the date of publication. The prize is non transferable, subject to availability and there is no cash alternative.
7. The winners will be announced on SeeSaw’s Twitter page on the 29 October 2010. You should visit our Twitter page on such date to find out if you are one of the winners. We will also direct message each winner using the Twitter account details provided for the retweet. If a winner does not respond within 3 days of SeeSaw announcing the winner on Twitter we will be entitled to select an alternative winner from the entries received. Winners may be asked to take part in any publicity accompanying or resulting from this promotion.
8. Late or incomplete retweets will not be entered into the prize draw. No responsibility can be accepted for lost or deleted entries, any technical, computer, online, electronic, software, hardware, connection, Internet, website, or other access issue, failure, malfunction or difficulty that might hinder your ability to submit a retweet or take part.
9. The Promoter of this prize draw is SeeSaw IPTV Limited whose registered office is Crawley Court, Winchester, Hampshire, SO21 2QA. In the event of a dispute, the decision of SeeSaw IPTV Limited shall be final and legally binding. No correspondence will be entered into.
10. Prize draw governed by the laws of England.

TV Wedding Shambles? We love them!

Grab your confetti and shine your shoes, weddings are all the rage at the minute with programmes like Channel 4’s The Wedding House and the BBC3’s Don’t Tell the Bride on TV, following on from the eye-popping extravagance of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (which needs to be seen, trust me)

Let's be honest, a wedding day is supposed to be one of the biggest moments of anyone's life, but for the bride it has depths beyond the icing on a five tier cake. It’s the one day that all eyes are on her as she is made to feel like a princess for the day - or so she hopes. Because it's also the day where things can go horribly wrong - and frequently do.

With this in mind, would you invite a TV crew to your wedding? Even with a generous offer of £12,000 and a stately country mansion throw in, would YOU give up control of your big day? God, I wouldn't but luckily for us, there are enough masochists out there to fully stock both The Wedding House and Don't Tell the Bride with willing participants in the latest car-crash TV.

Both series share two key attributes…

1. The producers lure couples in with the promise of financial help, automatically putting them at their mercy.

2. They use the element of surprise to keep things interesting and to to rack up the drama.

For example, in Don’t Tell the Bride all decision-making is left to the usually clueless groom. This even includes the bride's dress – shock, horror! In an extra twist, the producers even make the bride try on her ideal wedding dress, one she’ll never wear, just for good measure. Ouch! If the dress chosen by her Prince Charming is an atrocity, she still has to march up the aisle to marry the plonker who selected it. It's evil, and it's genius!

Over in The Wedding House the experts give each couple enough rope to hang themselves by allowing them to decide the theme of the wedding, before running off with their own interpretations. The couple have no final say and will not see the results until it’s too late - double ouch!

Most importantly, it's the combination of Bridezillas, inappropriate themes, the arguments, tears, tantrums and happy endings which make both programmes hysterical to watch.

If you some proof, check out The Wedding House on the site right now to see some amazingly themed connubials - Moulin Rouge, bondage or Burlesque anybody? Or even better, witness a gay couple getting ready for their Victorian style civil ceremony, having been together for just three months. Even the registrar thinks it'll be curtains for them – hilarious!

Tight Tuesday: Rent Hustle Series Five for just 99p

Can't afford to go out, but there's nothing on TV? Stuck in that grey area between being sat in a Monday morning coma and getting ready for some midweek drinks? This can only mean one thing - it's Tight Tuesday!

Last week's battle royale saw you edge Alias and Law and Order: SVU out in favour of the pesky cons in Hustle Series Five. The Hills didn't really get a look in to be honest. So you've got until midnight to rent the whole of Series Five for just 99p. We're robbing ourselves blind...

Next week's likely candidates are: Gavin and Stacy Series One, Desperate Housewives Series Four, Absolutely Fabulous Series One and Laguna Beach Series Two.

You have one week to decide, so get voting.

Top 5 - Fake Twitter Accounts

One aspect of twitter that really captured the public's imagination was that public figures could talk directly to the masses. Without PR's (although inevitably they were involved) and rumours in the press getting in the way. However, as soon as this discourse was established it was quickly parodied.

If you are a star worth mentioning you will have an imposter tweeting your likeness. Nowadays even the 'fakes' have an elevated status in the twitterverse with many of them landing book deals, including 3 on this list.

Here are SeeSaw's top 5 fakers, with a noteworthy tweet included.

1. @cherylkerl

The original pseudotwym, ‘she’ debuted to the twitterverse during X factor 2009. She is famed for her phonetic Geordie tweets whilst posing as the pop star and talent show judge. She not only talks about X factor she also talks about topical issues – see tweet below off the back of Alan Sugar being made a Labour peer. She has a book out ‘Cheryl Kerl: Woath It? Coase Ah am, Pet’

‘Ah've just been te Downen St an Gordun Broon's made uz Tsoar for gorl bands an reality sheus. It's a big responsibility leik.’ -16th December

*translation*
‘I’ve just been to Downing Street and Gordon Brown has made me Tsar for girl bands and reality shows. It’s a big responsibility.’

2. @queen_uk

In the news recently we heard that HRH told President Sarkozy that, yes, she does get bored but she doesn’t ‘say so’. Well on her ‘unofficial’ twitter account she does. This is the best that the Queen has ever been, in the loop and pissed off.
‘Mr Clegg, as requested, one is checking if being Deputy PM counts toward your Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award. One suspects not.’ 18th May

3. @mrsstephenfry

Meet Edna Fry, the fictional - obviously - wife of twitterati Stephen Fry. She has all the spam recipes that you could never want and a delightfully no-nonsense middle england attitude. Has recently released her diary, which had an online twitter launch party.

‘I shouldn't let Stephen go on eBay. He's just bought an inflatable voodoo doll.’ 7th October

4. @dianainheaven

Perhaps a bit tasteless, but the tweeter isn’t trying to take advantage of the sentimental Daily Express reader. Princess Diana is tweeting from heaven and she’s riled. Straight from the afterlife’s ‘VIP’ section in the company of many other dead celebs. Also has a book out.

‘Pol Pot's up from The Other Place this afternoon to give a talk. Should be good - his Powerpoint presentations are a thing of legend.’ 24th January

5. @katieweasel

Another X factor one. This new account has already caused so much trouble that the producers of the show told the contestants that they were no longer allowed to tweet, as so many people thought this was actually Katie Waissel. Yes, really.

‘Lots of tears, pain, embarassment and aggression in the studio today. We have all just had Cheryl's new album played to us.’ – 18th October

All You Need To Know About Peter Serafinowicz

ITV drama Whitechapel is the unlikely and somewhat sinister current home of the criminally unappreciated talents of a certain Peter Serafinowicz. As DCI Cazenove he can be seen administering brutal beatings to his beleaguered detectives with as little respect for the code of conduct as Bad Girls' resident evil Jim Fenner. It’s a far cry from the comedic fayre we’re used to seeing the striking Serafinowicz in… and what we are maybe guilty of not seeing him in…

He had his own show didn’t he?
Correctimundo. But you’ll not be proclaimed the king of comedy for remembering The Peter Serafinowicz Show and that it starred a certain sketch-smith known to friends and fans as Peter Serafinowicz.

He’s done stuff with Scotty from Star Trek
Two out of two. Well done. Collaborations are Peter’s forte and he seems to have an unhealthy obsession with being Simon Pegg’s arch nemesis. Not only can he be seen as Duan Benzie in the magnificent pop culture fest that was Spaced, but also as Robin in the much-underrated Hippies, and as humourless flatmate Pete in rom-zom flick Shaun of the Dead.

He was never in Star Wars
Au contraire. Okay, so he wasn’t to be found poking sticks at Yawas on Tatooine in the original trilogy and he never had a Hasbro figure hand-crafted in his own image. But the coolest thing to come out of the plot-less prequels was Darth Maul, no question. And guess who provided the voice-over? No, it wasn’t the Green Cross Code man.

He was in that show with Tim from The Office
If you mean Hardware, yes. Yes he was. Written by Men Behaving Badly’s Simon Nye, Peter played Kenny in all 12 episodes of one of 2003’s ha-ha highlights for Talkback Thames, alongside Martin Freeman and good old Reg Holdsworth.

Did you just mention Talkback Thames?
Segue-tastic. Of course, Peter and co-conspirator Robert Popper created the creepily accurate mock children’s educational series Look Around You. What they can’t tell you about germs, the brain and metals just isn’t worth knowing. I mean, did you know the full name of Iron is Iron de Havilland, dumb-dumb?

Hasn’t he annoyed Alan Partridge?
Who hasn’t? But as Yank-loving Tex and mutual friend of petrol station worker Michael he manages to rile Norfolk’s notorious graveyard shift DJ into something unimaginably green-eyed.

Is he some sort of comedic chameleon?
Just a bit. Whether it be voice over-ring for South Park, Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle, The IT Crowd or putting in a cameo shift in the likes of Black Books, Little Britain and Murder Most Horrid, Serafinowicz has the physicality and voice for every occasion and any comic creation. Damn him and his unrelenting talent.

Might he get pigeon-holed?
Doubtful. As well a taking over the telebox, Serafinowicz has stuck a reverential flag in the interwebs. And it’s got his face on it. The Peter Serafinowicz Show was borne out of the success of skits he posted on YouTube – and his Twitter page has amassed almost half million followers. Twitterati take note.

He has his fingers in many a fun-filled pie, right?
True dat. His rising stock has taken him, like, totally transatlantic, man. He’s currently to be found on Fox’s Running Wilde, brought to us from the creators of acclaimed Arrested Development. Hollywood hasn’t been blind to his talent either – he starred alongside (literal) heavyweights Vinny Vaughn and John Favreau in Couples Retreat.

The poor guy must be tired
Possibly. But that’s not stopping him from putting his native Scouse tongue to good use in the forthcoming re-make of The Beatles’ Yellow Submarine and winning awards for directing Hot Chip music videos. Oh and did we tell you he’s married to Coupling and Green Wing’s Sarah Alexander? When you see him in next week’s instalment of Whitechapel, you’re just not going to see him in the same light are you?

You think there's a comedy cat more ubiquitous than prolific Pete? Someone we didn't realize we were a bigger fan of? Answers on e-postcards, kids...

Tight Tuesday - Rent Torchwood Series 2 for just 99p

This week's Tight Tuesday winner was Torchwood Series Two, which narrowly edged out Battlestar Galactica by just three votes, our closest vote so far.

Get renting now because the 99p rental price only lasts for today. 99p? That's less than 8p an episode - Get in!

Whilst you're there why not vote for the series you want to watch for just 99p next Tuesday? Take your pick from Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, Alias, The Hills and Hustle, and we'll reveal the winner next week.

Have fun with Captain Jack.

Last week's most popular shows

The usual suspects dominated this week's Most Popular Top Ten, and with the final episode on tonight no prizes for guessing which show occupied half the list.

In fact not only did The Inbetweeners take the first four spots, with Will being left home alone proving the most popular episode, the classic "bumder" episode from Series One came in as the sixth most popular show of the week. Who knew bunking of school and drinking no-brand vodka could be so much fun?

With the 6000th episode airing on Friday Neighbours had two episodes in the list, and Jamie's American Food Revolution maintained it's weekly placing, if only for the fact those school canteen chefs think breakfast pizza is a good thing.

The Gadget Show is a fairly regular visitor to the Top Ten list but this week saw a first-time entry for E4's new comedy, PhoneShop. It's slowly building a decent fanbase and unusually for a title coming out of the Comedy Showcase strand, they didn't reuse the pilot as the first episode of the series, they just carried on from where they left off, which is a good thing if you ask me.

If you want to see how Newman did on his first day, why not check the pilot out, and for the completist geeks of you out there, here is the full list.

Top Ten List (Sun 10th - Sat 16th October)
1. The Inbetweeners - Will is Home Alone
2. The Inbetweeners - A Trip to Warwick
3. The Inbetweeners - The Gig and the Girlfriend
4. The Inbetweeners - Will's Dilemma
5. PhoneShop - Doctor Who
6. The Inbetweeners - Bunk Off (Series 1, Ep2)
7. Neighbours - Wednesday 13th
8. Neighbours - Tuesday 12th
9. Jamie's American Road Trip - Episode 5
10. The Gadget Show - Monday 11th October

X Factor - Week 2

Here are the high (and low) lights of the weekend for me.

Saturday - The performances

First we had Storm - more like ‘breeze when having a picnic’; irritating but nothing to write home about. He did a version of Springsteen’s ‘Born to Run’, which was lacklustre at best. The man looked so tired, it was so uninspiring. If I was his mother I would have come down from Scotland and marched him straight to bed.

Treyc Cohen’s version of Prince’s ‘Purple Rain’ was faultless. My prediction is that she will be the longest surviving wildcard on the show. Well, that all depends on how long Wagner-fever lasts. Her success does prompt the question again whether Cheryl made a good decision with her top 3, but at least nobody is talking about Gam-who anymore.

Oh, One Direction… I hadn’t even sat down today when I was bombarded by the other womenfolk of the office about what I think about them. The answer: I don’t really think about them at all. They’re sweet but… yea. I can’t even remember what they sang, I’m sure it was… fine. And I know that they got lots of votes because they are catnip to the pubescent.

Diva Fever, are so much fun! Aren’t they? Don’t you think they’re fun? I mean only one of them can sing, but all their back-up dancers are topless! What fun.

Ok, so Aiden Grimshaw sang a song, and a couple of the notes sounded a bit strained. It was ‘Jealous Guy’ for Pete’s sake; it suits a bit of strain. If you were basing what happened by the judges’ reaction you’d think he was a middle-aged, long-haired Brazilian man running around the stage shirtless. Oh wait… no, they love that.

Wagner – see above. Oh and what you are all interested about is that Simon hinted that Wagner and Mary might be doing the bad thing on the good foot. Ooooh!

Mary Byrne – you’ll never look at a checkout lady the same way again. Also, she’s Nicky from Westlife’s aunty. Well I never.

It’s not over until the fat lady sings, they say. Oh wait one more - Matt Cardle. Without his hat. Madness.


Sunday - The Result

After two psychadelic celebrity performances from Katy Perry and X factor 2008 spawn Diana Vickers, it is time for the results - Double elimination goodness.

Dermot whittles down the fourteen contestants to three: Storm, Belle Amie and Diva Fever. We discover that Storm got the fewest votes and is sent home. You couldn’t see Louis’ whole face, but I could tell that he was quite relieved to get rid of him. Storm promised that this wasn’t the last we would see of him, we hope that’s not true.

The survival songs were suitably ironic. Diva Fever went first with ‘I Will Survive’ and surprisingly without the production they weren’t too bad. Then Belle Amie concluded with ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’ and they all cried. They are a bit older than One Direction all in their early twenties apart from 17 year old Esther. So considering that they are young women and not young girls, something needs to be done to their styling. They need to be more Saturdays and less Sunday with your grandparents. Teenagers aspire to glamourous role models, not attainable ones. Sad fact.

Simon potentially had the difficult decision of choosing between two of his acts but he was saved by the other judges unanimously agreeing to save Belle Amie.

So that's all for this week. Who do you want to win? Personally I am rooting for Rebecca. I didn't comment on her in this post because her brilliance would have usurped my word count.

Someone who is coming on a bit strong with their support is Stephen Fry. He's gone Brazilian nut-ty.




Jokes.

Where Have I Seen Her Before?

The great thing about Reality TV is that the people who want to be publicly humiliated are more-than likely to reappear across multiple shows. Step forward Sophia Wardman, member of X Factor girlband Belle Amie... and ex Shipwrecked contestant.

Cast your mind back to 2007. Sunday morning hangovers mixed in with easy viewing telly (Hollyoaks, Shipwrecked etc). Sophia graced our screens as a flame haired member of the Tiger tribe. If you can’t remember what she was like, then why not watch it?

These days Sophia (now a blonde) can be seen strutting her stuff on The X Factor She originally auditioned as a solo artist, but was sent home at the end of boot camp. Well I say sent home, she just about managed to get backstage before she was called back on stage with three other girls and told they would be going through as a group. They seem to create groups every year, why not actually scrap groups auditioning all together and put them together within the show instead? Simon Cowell, if you are reading this, it was my idea first.

Sophia’s group made it into the live stages in the show and past the first two eliminations, but past experience tells us girl groups don’t seem to do that well. Only time will tell if this is Sophia's big break, or if stint on Coach Trip beckons...

The Apprentice Recap: Week 2

It’s week two, and it’s going to take a lot to top last week’s episode, but by golly they gave it a crack. Last week the boy’s fell apart, and this week it was the turn of the girls.

This week’s task was to come up with a new beach accessory and see if any retailers would buy the product. Bear in mind that no team has ever had zero orders on a task like this.

With the boys being a man down after poor Raleigh left the competition, Stella was sent over to their team Project Manager, whilst Laura stepped up for the girls. Stella seemed to be able to handle the boys quite well. Laura on the other hand had a lot of trouble handling the catty girls, with power-crazed Joanna being the most difficult one to manage.

The boys and Stella’s product was a towel with a pillow which also kept your drinks cool, and the girls came up with a bookstand - innovative huh?

In the boardroom, surprise surprise, the girls lost the task, with no orders whatsoever, prompting Amstrad's business guru to call it the “Worst performance ever”.

Brilliantly enough it might not have been too bad at all had Laura not turned down an exclusivity deal with Boots! Despite this massive cock-up, it was Joy who left. She didn't say anything anyway, so she's probably not too much of a loss at this stage.


Quote of the night goes to Jamie: “When I open my mouth, I’m like a champagne bottle that will explode if I don’t get it out of my system.” Don’t open your ruddy mouth again then, Jeez!

Top 5 Cartoons Of The 1980's

Why do some TV shows end up creating a mass debate? Well that is what 100 Greatest Kids TV, did in the SeeSaw office. No one could agree on their top kids TV shows.

I thought I would share my top five cartoons of the 80's, although trying to come up with a top five proved quite difficult, so some honourable mentions go to M.A.S.K, Denver The Last Dinosaur and Count Duckula. They didn’t make it, but these ones did:

5 – Alvin and The Chipmunks
Not to be confused with the new movie versions, The chipmunks of the 80’s were more fun, more entertaining and a lot funnier. Maybe they were funnier because I was a child, but they were still funnier. The squeaky voiced little scamps were always getting into trouble, especially Alvin. I actually went to a fancy dress party one year dressed as Alvin. Best day ever!

4 – Ducktales
“OOH- OOOH.” I don’t know very many people that can’t hear the word Ducktales and not sing the legendary “ooh-oooh.”
Ducktales followed the exploits of Scrooge McDuck and his nephews Huey, Dewey and Louie. I was always very jealous of Scrooge, he got to swim in money every day. Ok, I am still jealous; I want to swim in money every day. Although how it was possible, I don’t know. Jumping into a huge pile of coins would really hurt. But in cartoon-land, does it really matter?

3 – Transformers
Another classic cartoon that has been put through the Hollywood money making machine. Who could forget the classic versions of the most awesome robots that ever existed in 2D form? A lot of people you would talk to would probably say that their favourite characters were Optimus Prime of Bumblebee. Not me, I loved Starscream.
I guess I like to support the underdog villains.

2 – The Racoons
“This is the Evergreen Forest. Quiet – peaceful - serine. That is until Burt Racoon wakes up.”
The Racoons was one of those under-rated shows that people liked, but no one raved about. Syrill Sneer the villain looked like a pink version of Gonzo from the muppets. It probably had one of the best songs to accompany a TV show, and yes, I am listening to it as I type.

1 - Thundercats
The coolest cartoon to ever hit our TV screens was the amazing Thundercats. LionO, Cheetara and the gang kept me glued to the television whenever they were on. Their triumphs over ever bumbling villains was a triumph for all that was good in the world. It also included probably one of the scariest cartoon villains ever - Mum-Rah. I may have had all the toys as a child, I don’t really remember, I destroyed them pretty quickly. I now own all the DVD’s and have re-watched all of them. It is still as awesome at it ever was.

Do you agree with my list? What are your favourite kids TV shows? Go on, tell us.

Now all together, “Thundercats, Hoooooo”

Big Brother’s Big Retail Job

Imagine my (slight) shock when somebody from the office came back from lunch with the news that she thought one of the twins (Samanda) from Big Brother was working in the shop over the road at a popular high street fashion emporium.

I actually thought that they were quite successful Big Brother contestants; They came second on the show, released a teen skincare range, made a work out DVD and even had a number 26 single (ahem). Apparently the twins have made over a million pounds between them since leaving the Big Brother house. Have they spent it all already?

With the demise of Big Brother, it would seem you can’t live off the coat tails of the show anymore. It may be a bit of a fall from grace, and we couldn't tell whether Sam (or Amanda - we couldn't tell the difference anyway) cut it as a fashion advisor, but hopefully this new career will mean they're no longer cluttering up the pages of Heat.

Last night: Horizon - What Happened Before The Big Bang

Until recently, sixth form science had taught me that to start with there was nothing, and from that nothing came something. And that something came about with a massive explosion patronisingly called the Big Bang. Fine.

Apart from according to last night's Horizon, that's not exactly right, and if I've learned anything, it's to trust the television above all else.

So what happened before the big bang? Perhaps it's just me, but it seems you can reel out a scientist who will have a hypothesis to back up any wild theory you may care to construct, and another 8 scientists happily willing to shoot it down. Unless you've got Stephen Hawking attending your lecture of course. Fortunately for the producers on Horizon, these scientists appear to live in a sort of hippy commune for physics somewhere in Canada, and spend their days playing cricket and nonchalantly scribbling on blackboards. They must spend a fortune on chalk.

According to our hippy physicists, the universe is everything from a Swiss fondue to one of trillions of universes triggered by black holes. Throughout the show, I’m half expecting one of the scientists to remark “Look, we give up, it was God ok?” or to say "Really, we're just ants, and a light year is actually a centimetre, and the entire universe is another massive scientists petri dish" Ok, I'm obviously far from qualified, and to me the most plausible theory that's not my own seems to be a constantly inflating and deflating universe, in which gravity becomes repellent instead of attractive. I like that. Disgusting, repellent gravity making physicists lives hard.

All in all, an interesting documentary, and the BBC should be lauded for making such programming, but please, please, don't try and explain to me how there can be different kinds of nothing, because one nothing can actually have something. My brain bleeds.

This weekend's X Factor round up

X Factor is back, and even before the live shows started, I picked my favourite contestants. Rebecca Ferguson was quite forgettable, and Matt Cardle, well let’s not talk about that song choice.

The saving grace was an absolute shocker of a performance by a certain Wagner (according to the show, he has no surname…apparently). Ok, so his vocals were not exactly up to scratch, but his bongo playing and performance of “She Bongs” (sorry, bangs) was the most entertaining of the night.

I did enjoy Aiden’s version of “Mad World”, but he looked like he was about to jump out of the telly and kill someone. And seriously, why dress the poor boy like a vampire stuck in the 1800’s?

Sunday’s results show on the other hand, well that was something else all together. The group performance was ridiculous. The obvious pre-recorded vocals and silly choreography made it look like a cheap episode of Glee.

When the results were announced, I was shocked but secretly slightly happy that Wagner survived to “sing” another day (he really is another Chico). This time there was a bottom three as two acts were going to get the boot. First to go was Nicolo, the Italian “diva” who didn’t even get to sing a survival song. Gotta love that he told Dermot O’Leary that leaving the show so early on “feels like crap.” Woo a curse word on a family show.

Left to battle it out for their place on the show was boyband FYD and Katie Weasel (sorry, Waisell). The outcome was obvious once they had sung (Katie was a lot better than FYD), but it would be silly to get rid of the most controversial contestant this series anyway so FYD’s time was up and all the judges apart from Simon Cowell voted to save Katie.

So, that meant bye bye to Nicolo Festa (no relation to Uncle Fester) and FYD. Who goes next, I guess you decide... urgh, now I sound like the Big Brother announcer! See you next week...

This week in TV: 11th-15th October

Here's our pick of the shows to watch this week.

MONDAY
Jamie’s 30-Minute Meals
C4, 5.30pm
The first of 20 episodes, where chef-de-jour Jamie Oliver gives you a real-time cooking lesson, just in time for you to get back from work.

This week it is Piri-Piri Chicken. Which is essentially Nando’s without the self-loathing.

For the competitive among you, you can see if you actually complete the dish in half an hour by using the Jamie Oliver egg timer here.

Missed it? Watch it here (SeeSaw)

TUESDAY
Wedding House
C4, 8pm
If you have been confused by the adverts and the fact that it is on Channel 4, I will clarify for you, Wedding House is not a reality show. Gasp.

The Wedding House is an on-location boutique. Couples who are getting married provide a 'brief' of their ideal wedding to the in-house wedding specialists. They don’t see the result of this until the day of the wedding itself. It’s a bit like ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ – but in this case the specialists don’t have the added pressure of being castrated on their wedding night.

In last week’s episode, a man almost refused to marry his 5-month pregnant girlfriend because he asked for a blue suit and got a grey pin-stripe instead.

More madness this week promised. Definitely worth checking out.
Missed it? Watch it here (SeeSaw)

WEDNESDAY
Film 2010
BBC1, 10.45pm
There has been much controversy over panda-eyed Claudia Winkleman taking over this flagship show from Jonathan Ross.

Along with the new presenter there have been a handful of other changes. It is now being broadcast live and has a slightly longer transmission time of 40 minutes. Also there is no longer the solo presenter format. Claudia will be aided joined by film critic Danny Leigh to make up for the fact that she is a woman amateur.

Missed it? Watch it here (iPlayer)

THURSDAY
Have I Got News for You
BBC1, 9pm
The popular topical panel show is back for its 40^th series. This week’s host is Sherlock heartthrob Benedict Cumberbatch.

Missed it? Watch it here (iPlayer)

FRIDAY
Neighbours
Channel 5, 1.45pm & 5.30pm
It’s the 6000^th episode of the goings on in Ramsay Street, Erinsborough. If you have fallen out of touch with the soap over the years, never fret! This episode is centred on Paul Robinson, who is the only original member of the cast left after 25 years. It’s the perfect time to reconnect with your Aussie favourites.

Missed it? Watch it here (SeeSaw)

Katie Waissel - the prelude

For the tabloids Katie is pass the parcel, where there is a prize with every layer of paper you rip off. Not only has she bedded other z-list celebs (notably Apprentice moron Michael Sophocles) she has already had a small taste of online reality fame with her own YouTube series.

The first episode of ‘Green Eyed World’ begins with her airy voice saying that she is a singer/songwriter from Europe – which as a place is only relevant if you are competing in the Ryder Cup. The viewer follows her journey from London to New York to LA and back to London.

She is a self-confessed tom-boy, which in this case means ‘one who only likes the company of men’. The first event is her ‘boyfriend’ breaking up with her because she is TOO dedicated to her dream. She then starts dating the show’s producer and instantly tries to marry him in a Las Vegas ceremony. When he wisely flies back home (to err... Europe), she says through her tears ‘I hate reality’.

In the series she is known as Katie Vogel, her late grandfather’s surname. This is the same grandfather that reduced her to tears at Cheryl’s house. Now, I don’t want to be insensitive but a lot of people have dead grandparents and, yes, everyone on the X factor must have a sob story. But, at least some people have gone to the effort to have illegitimate children. Look to the future Katie!

Although she is the most ridiculous person; she isn’t a bad singer and can actually play an instrument which might be an X factor first. The bookies have her as a favourite to go this weekend but I’m not too sure. Notoriety counts for something in this game. Remember how far Jedward got? And that was just down to genetics.

The Apprentice Recap: Week 1

“Boozy Bangers, Boozy Bangers” Why is that the most prominent thing in my mind after last nights Apprentice?

The annual search for Lord Sugar's assistant began with a bang(er) as the candidates were put through their paces with the first of this years strange tasks none of them would ever have to do in 'real life'.

Last night the office hopefuls were buying meat, making sausages overnight, and selling them to the public the next day. As ever, sausages were the last things on their minds as egos exploded everywhere, there were disagreements and even worse (or better from an entertainment point of view) the sausages the boys made looked like actual poo. More importantly, we also got our first glimpses of who the characters are going to be this series:

Stuart Baggs – The youngest ever contestant, and in my eyes, probably the most annoying. He starts off by claiming everything he touches turns to sold. Sold? Come on now, did he sell the most sausages? No he didn’t. His one shining moment was the fact that he seemed to be able to use an invisible calculator. If that isn’t a great skill, then what is?

Dan Harris – Team leader for the boys team, and all around hot head. If managing people includes screaming, swearing and not really getting involved then Dan should be earning millions. He must have been the fist ever contestant to slouch in the board room in front of Lord Sugar. It was at that point, I thought to myself Dan is a gonner.

Melissa Cohen – Jenny Éclair lookalike and slightly argumentative. Melissa seems to be the most entertaining of the girls so far. As Nick Hewer said she spent a lot of her time “pecking away” at team leader Joanna. If Melissa wanted to be team leader, then she should have said yes when the other girls suggested that she should. May be that was a ploy to avoid the firing line if they lost. Apparently I also went to school with Melissa. I don't remember it at all, but rumour has it, she left because no one liked her.

So it was bye bye to hot head Dan. To be fair another week of him would have been way too much.

Sadly I'm already looking forward to next week's clash of the egos.

If like me you can’t actually wait, maybe you should watch some classic apprentice to wet your appetite until next week.

Where Have I Seen Her Before?

Have you ever found yourself watching a TV programme and wondering “where have I seen them before?,” before spending sleepless nights trying to remember? Well worry no more because we are going to tell you exactly where you have seen them before.

Our first candidate is actress and model Samantha Rowley, who you can currently watch on Seven Days.

Samantha started her television career on five’s Make Me A Supermodel in which she came fourth , before being quickly snapped up by Channel 4 to play the original Clare Devine on Hollyoaks. She only lasted 5 months on the show and was swiftly replaced by Gemma Bissix. Next for Samantha was an appearance on five’s Trust Me I’m a Holiday Rep series 2, a reality show where “celebrities” had to work as a holiday rep on a Greek island. More notable celebs on the show were ex hearsay member Noel & Chef Nancy Lam. Samantha quit after only five days and was replaced by former Royal butler Paul Burrell.

So now you know, she's a failed supermodel, a pretty poor holiday rep and not yet made it as an actress. Facts you can now astound your friends with down the pub.